When Life Hurts

Once again, Rabbi Wayne comes through with exactly what we need to take in at this time of such intense pain and suffering in our world. I believe we are Consciousness enough, that whether or not we listen to the news, or pay attention to events unfolding around us, each of us is aware of, and feels the fear and uncertainty, the pain and suffering of people all around the globe. Each of us is experiencing the general sense of chaos and confusion, and so many of our physical/emotional bodies are reacting to these stressors with pain or illness or “accidents”. I don’t know that I remember a more difficult two months, ever. 

And so, when I asked what the Legacy Piece would be this month, without hesitation, Rabbi Wayne told me that it would come from an early book of his, When Life Hurts.

On a Monday evening in October 1996, while we were flying home from a Bar Mitzvah celebration in Chicago, The Harmony Grove fires came from out of the canyon, and within ten minutes, had burned up our entire neighborhood, and left everything we called Home, a pile of ashes. It was the first major wildfire in “modern” San Diego, and the fire department was helpless. 

A friend of ours was housesitting, and had just a few precious minutes to save the Torah, our Ketubah, our animals, and our computer hard drives. Driving away, the fire was on her. 

Two days later, as we were roaming through the ashes, Rabbi Wayne’s publisher called him and said “You know, there is a book here for you to write in this fire”. He just laughed at her, and said he didn’t even own a pencil with which to write.

But by February 1997, he was writing. Of course, he was. Years later, when asked why he wrote, he answered by asking why he breathed. He couldn’t not write.

And he couldn’t not keep asking the very hard, challenging, real questions — like Where is God When Life Hurts? 

And so, he presents us this month with those hard, real questions — and shares with us some of the tiny glimpses of Light that came to him as he struggled and wrestled his way to some modicum of in-the-moment — not even acceptance or peace. Perhaps clarity? 

I so look forward to talking about all of this, and being illuminated by all of our amazing honesty and wisdom, as we chew on this together in our very beautiful Legacy Discussion Group on May 14^th, and by reading your reflections at RabbiWayneDosick.com. Until then, Be Well, and Much Love and Gratitude,

Ellen, continuing the work of the Elijah Minyan

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Where is God When Life Hurts?

Rabbi Wayne begins by telling us that the first time the Elijah Minyan met for a Shabbat service after the fire that destroyed our home and neighborhood in October 1996, the Torah portion for that week “just happened to be” the story of Joseph. And he reminds us of the story: 

Jacob gave his favorite son, Joseph, a coat of many colors. His older brothers were very jealous of him and were tired of his arrogant bragging. They went out to herd their flocks and get away from him, but he followed them, and even asked a stranger which way they had gone. When they saw him coming, they decided to throw him in a pit. But just at that moment, a caravan on its way to Egypt came by, and instead, they sold him into slavery. They took his coat, dipped it in blood and told their father wild animals had killed him. 

Joseph was bought by a rich man, and when the man’s wife tried to seduce Joseph and he refused, she yelled “rape”, and he was thrown into prison. There, he interpreted two other prisoners’ dreams. 

One of the prisoners was Pharaoh’s cupbearer and later, when Pharaoh had two dreams he could not interpret, the cupbearer remembered Joseph, and Pharaoh brought Joseph to interpret his dreams. Joseph told him that his dreams meant that Egypt would have seven years of plenty, followed by seven years of famine – and that he should prepare for the famine by filling all the storehouses with the extra grain.

Pharaoh made Joseph the chancellor of Egypt to carry out this great task. When the famine came, Joseph’s family in Canaan was starving, and the older brothers came to Egypt to get food. 

They didn’t recognize Joseph, but he recognized them. He accused them of being spies and had them thrown in jail. When he brought them before him, he told them he would let them go, but only if they returned, bringing their youngest brother, Benjamin, with them. He kept Simeon as a hostage, until they did. 

Without Joseph, Benjamin had become Jacob’s favorite and he was loath to let him go. But the famine was great, and so, again, the brothers came before Joseph, with Benjamin. They bought the grain, and this time, Joseph placed his own silver goblet in Benjamin’s bag. Guards were sent after the brothers, accusing them of stealing, and indeed, found the silver goblet in Benjamin’s bag. Pleading for their father, Judah begged Joseph to punish him, rather than Benjamin. 

Joseph was so moved by their devotion to one another and their father, that he was overcome with emotion and told them who he was. The brothers were initially very afraid, but Joseph told them that though they had meant it for “evil”, God had meant it all for “good”. He invited his father and the entire clan to come to Egypt and they settled there, and thrived. 

A hundred years later, a different Pharaoh enslaved them. After 400 years of slavery, a God visited terrible plagues on the Egyptians, and Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt, to receive God’s words at Sinai. 40 years later, Joshua led them into the Promised Land of Israel. 

Rabbi Wayne reminds us that all the characters in this story experienced great grief, terror, and pain along the way. Jacob’s was grief-stricken, Joseph was heartbroken and terrified to be sold into slavery and then thrown in prison, the brothers were horrified at being accused and landing in jail. Each of them wondered where God was and why they had to suffer so. 

And then Rabbi Wayne writes:

They did not have the perspective that we do. They could not stand above the story and look down on it from a vantage point of thousands of years. They could not, as we can, see the “big picture,” the gigantic canvas on which the whole story plays out from beginning to end. Intimately involved, they could only experience the word and the act of the moment. 

But, if they had the luxury of perspective that we have, then Joseph and his family would have known the whole story. And they would have known that each and every individual element of the story — including the pain and suffering that came with each of those elements — had to be there in order for the story to come out the way it must. 

For Joseph and his family — whether or not they realized it — were all participants in a Divine mission. 

Everything they experienced was part of God’s plan. 

What they experienced in the present was pre-sent by God. 

If Jacob had not given Joseph the coat, the brothers’ jealousy would not have been kindled… and their hatred would not have grown. If Joseph had not followed his brothers out to the pasture and had not met the stranger who gave him directions, the encounter between Joseph and the brothers would not have taken place. If the caravan had not come by at that exact moment, Joseph would not have been sold to Egypt. If Joseph had responded to the advances of Potiphar’s wife, he would not have been accused of rape, and would not have been thrown in prison. If Joseph had not been in prison, he would not have interpreted the other prisoners’ dreams. If the cupbearer had not been released from prison, Joseph would not have been called to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams. If Joseph had not interpreted Pharaoh’s dreams, he would not have been appointed chancellor of Egypt. If Joseph had not been chancellor, there would have been no plan to store up food for the famine, and the inhabitants of Egypt would have died. If Joseph had not stored up enough grain, Jacob would not have sent his sons to Egypt to buy food. If the brothers had not come to Egypt, they would not have had enough food to survive, and Jacob and his sons might well have died in the famine. If it were not for the famine, and for Joseph’s role in saving his family, Jacob and his huge family would not have come to Egypt. The Hebrews would not have become slaves in Egypt; they would not have been redeemed by God; they would not have come to Sinai to receive God’s words, and they might not have journeyed to the Promised Land of Israel. 

No matter what the momentary pain or suffering of any one person, each piece of the puzzle had to fit into its exact place, at its exact time, in order for God’s plan to play out exactly as it was ordained. 

As I related the story on that Sabbath morning, I realized that I was being taught that the presence — and the reality — of a Divine plan was not just for Joseph and his brothers in long-ago times. 

It is for all of us — all the time. 

From the combined mystical teachings of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, and the spiritual teachings of the Eastern faiths, I learned:

• Every human being is created from two distinct but inextricably intertwined parts. Our bodies are of the materials of the earth; they are limited and they are finite. 
• Our breath is the breath of God. As the Bible teaches, “…God blew into his nostrils the breath of life [the spirit of God] and man became a living soul.” (Genesis 2:7) Our souls — that which give us life — are a spark of the Divine. As the Bible puts it, “The light of God is the soul of human beings.” (Proverbs 20:27) Our souls are infinite and eternal.

When we listen, God reminds finite earth beings of the God-source of our infinite souls and of the pre-ordained Divine assignment that is given to us. 

God reminds us that, just as it was for Joseph and his brothers, everything we experience in the present is pre-sent. 

What is the Divine plan, the Divine blueprint for us? 

We cannot know for sure, but, in the words of the Jewish prayer, we can surmise that the ultimate Divine plan is for God and humankind to work together “to perfect the world in the Name of God.”

Together as partners, our job is to make this world a place of decency and dignity, of goodness and compassion, of harmony and peace and love for every living being. 

Each one of us, each individual soul, is responsible for helping to fulfill that Divine vision. 

According to mystical tradition, when God created the world, God created every soul that was ever to come into body on earth. 

Each soul has everlasting and independent existence.

The eternal soul dwells in the heavenly realm, and is endowed by God with ultimate and universal knowledge.

Every now and then, a soul makes an agreement — called a contract — to come into body on this earth plane, in order to fulfill a specific assignment or mission, or to work out particular life issues (what the Hindus call “karma.”)

So, at any given time, some souls are in the heavenly realm, and some are in body.

The individual mission that a soul is in body to perform is different for each soul. Yet, all missions have one thing in common: the soul enters a body in order to serve God — in order to help God move forward the Divine plan, the Divine blueprint, that God has for this world. 

A person’s soul’s contract may take a long time to fulfill. Sometimes, it is fulfilled in a few weeks, a few months, or a few years. That is why some earth life spans are long, and why some are short.

When a soul’s contract is fulfilled, the soul leaves the earth, and “passes away” or “passes over” — or, as we commonly say, “dies” — back into the world of the spirit. The Bible puts it this way, “The dust returns to the earth that it was, but the spirit returns to God who gave it.” (Ecclesiastes 12:7) But the veil between worlds — between what we call “life” and “death” — is so thin that the Chasidic Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk taught, “Fear not death. It is just a matter of going from one room to the other.”

 In the spirit world, the soul rests, and is cleansed of imperfections that may have attached during the earthbound journey. It incorporates the karmic lessons that were learned and adds the earthly experience to soul memory. The soul re-energizes and prepares for its next mission. 

The next mission may be another earth journey — in what Judaism calls gilgool hanefesh, the “rolling” or “transmigration of the soul”, or what is commonly known as reincarnation. Or the soul may move on to other Divine tasks in the spirit world. 

On a soul level, each and every one of us is selected by God to be in service, to be a prophet — a messenger — of God. 

Since it is a free will universe, the soul can choose to accept or reject its mission and God’s charge, and can accept or reject the place that the mission will be fulfilled.

If the soul accepts the mission, the soul “signs” the Divine contract, and if the assignment is on earth, then the soul comes into body.

Yet, our human bodies are delimited by time and space. So, in body, we cannot and do not have eternal, universal knowledge, nor are we fully cognizant of our soul contract. We know that our general task is to serve God, but we do not have a complete memory of what our specific mission is, or how it fits into the big picture, God’s ultimate plan for the universe. 

Every now and then, we may get a “hit,” — an intuitive, inherent sense — of what our mission is. That is often what moves us to make certain choices, to go certain places, to form certain relationships.

That is what happened to Joseph and his brothers.

All along the way — whether or not they understood them at the time — most all of the participants in the story had “hits” of the Divine plan — those occasional inner revelations that we all experience. That is why, at certain points, some of the participants seem to sense the deeper meaning of the events.

Joseph understands the meaning and the all-encompassing reason for all the events that take place. and says “It was to save life that God sent me ahead of you.” (Genesis 45:5) 

It is the same for us.

We, who are on special mission on soul level, may get occasional glimpses of the Divine plan, but when we are in the midst of the story, when we are participants on a moment-to-moment basis, we do not have the perspective to see the big picture of the greater whole.

Standing in the ashes of my house, I could not see beyond the immediate destruction; I could not feel beyond my immediate pain. Through my tears, I could not possibly declare that what happened was, somehow, for a higher good. But I could sense that I did not know all there was to know; I could imagine that somewhere deep in mystery there was an explanation that was not yet mine to grasp.

I thought of the story of the bird who found shelter every day in the withered branches of a tree that stood in the middle of a deserted plain. One day a whirlwind uprooted the tree, forcing the bird to fly hundreds of miles in search of shelter. Finally, it came to a lush forest, full of fruit-laden trees.

I knew that, during our lifetime as finite human beings, we will all experience both what we call “joy” and “satisfaction,” as well what we call “pain” and “suffering.” 

I slowly came to understand that when what we perceive as “evil” befalls us — when we suffer from the pain that comes our way; when life really, really hurts because the emotions are very real to our earth body, human feelings — we may not know the reason, we may not know how the story will eventually play out, nor do we do know what the results will eventually be. 

All we know — and we can take great comfort in knowing — is that our emotions are part of the playing out of our soul contract, part of a blueprint far greater than our finite minds can ever understand. Our experiences are a part of the ongoing process of God’s unfolding Divine plan. 

Sometimes we try to explain and accept our soul mission in earth terms. 

We rationalize away our pain and suffering by saying that it is for a greater good. 

Indeed, many, many times, much good comes out of our tragedy and our pain — good that may very well be part of the unfolding Divine plan. 

And Rabbi Wayne gives many examples: The founding of support organizations like Compassionate Friends, and social action groups like MADD, and Meghan’s Laws.

But in his liberating honesty, Rabbi Wayne goes on to say:

There is only one problem with this earthly attempt to see the good that can come out of tragedy. 

No matter how great the contribution — no matter how many drunks don’t get behind the wheel; no matter how many criminals are brought to justice; no matter how many addicts become sober — no matter how much the common good is served… the one who suffered the pain will inevitably ask, “Was it worth the price I had to pay?” 

Are the lives of thousands who do not drive drunk worth the life of the one little girl whose mother founded MADD? 

We cannot possibly answer this question, for we have no possible way of balancing the gain against the sacrifice — this life for that one; this suffering for that good.

 With our limited understanding, we can only believe that everything we experience is all part of our soul contract and part of the ultimate Divine plan, and, therefore, eventually for the greatest good.

And with all that I had come to understand about evil and suffering, I was still left with a grand dilemma.

I unequivocally believe that this is a free will universe, that God gives us the ability and the power to make our own decisions, our own choices. I am sure, for example, that we can use our free will to do either great evil or great good. We can use our free will to either passively accept what is given to us, or to actively shape and forge our own destiny.

I have always believed in the response given by the wise sage to the woman who complained about her destiny. “It is you who make your destiny.”

“But surely I am not responsible for being born a woman?”

“Being born a woman is not destiny. It is fate. How you accept your womanhood and what you make of it — that is destiny.”

My question, then, is: if we came into body with an already-contracted soul mission, then where is our free will during our lifetime? Aren’t we merely puppets on the stage of God’s play, doing God’s pre-determined bidding, being manipulated and controlled by God’s will? 

Aren’t we subject to what philosophy calls “determinism,” the mere playing out of a pre-destined role? 

 I sense that the answer to this troubling question is in what the story of Joseph and his brothers teaches. 

We learn that what is pre-determined is the intent, the objective — the ultimate destination. How we get there, how we make the journey along the way, is completely open to free will choice.

The ancient sage put it this way, “Everything is foreseen, but free will is given.” (Avot 3:19)

The sage was describing a scene that I often witnessed as a child. When I went to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, I loved to see the gigantic model train layout. When I stood right at eye level with the trains, I could see only a few feet of track, and I could see the train only when it passed by. 

But, when I went up to the second floor of the museum and stood on the balcony overlooking the model trains, I could see the whole layout all at once.

 Like the great model train, on a soul level, the tracks of our lives are laid out. From a certain vantage point — God’s — everything that can or will happen can be foreseen. But, we are given free will. And we can use our free will to control the switches of our lives — to stay on the track or to derail — however we choose. 

The Chofetz Chaim taught about the verse from Job, “You number my steps.” (Job 14:16) “A decree is sent forth regarding the number of steps a person shall make during his lifetime. But it rests within his choice to determine whether his steps shall lead him to good deeds or direct him in the opposite path.” 

Simply put, the soul contract which we made, which we came to earth to fulfill, defines the destination. The free will that we exercise determines how we will get there.

Of course, while we are in the midst of the journey, we may not know or remember — because it is a soul level decision — what the ultimate destination is. We are like the characters in the Joseph story. We experience only the words and acts of the moment. We do not know what vital role each element of the unfolding story plays. We do not know how the story will conclude. We cannot know if what we perceive as the pain and suffering of the moment is a component part of what will eventually be the greater good. 

Since we do not know the whole story, we cannot know whether we are using our free will to support or hinder its unfolding, to hasten or impede the fulfillment of our soul contract. 

We are like the man in the old tale who came home from the marketplace pale and trembling. He told the members of his family that while he was walking around the crowded market, he had come face to face with the Angel of Death. The Angel raised his arms, but the man fled for his life. He told his family that he had decided to take his fastest horse, and leave immediately for the town of Samarra. In that far away place, he would be able to avoid the clutches of the Angel of Death.

After the man left home, his son went to the marketplace to find the Angel of Death, and to inquire about the strange meeting that had taken place earlier in the day. The son found the Angel and he asked, “When you saw my father, why did you raise your arms, but not take him?” The Angel of Death replied, “I raised my arms in wonder, because I was very surprised to see your father. I did not expect to meet him here today, for I have an appointment with him tonight in the city of Samarra.” 

As we come to reconcile our concept of earthly free will with the existence of our transcendent soul contract, we still ask: Even though we are on soul mission, even though we are here to participate in the fulfillment of the Divine plan, how does a loving, caring, protecting God let us suffer in this lifetime? Where is God when life — this life — hurts?

God would never abandon us.

God is always with us.

So, the real question is: Are we with God? 

The feelings and emotions that we call disappointment and failure, pain and suffering are part of every life. They come from out of the external factors of situation and circumstance which we all experience. 

But real trauma, existential pain and suffering come only when there is internal disconnection and separation from God. 

When we are cut off from God, the painful realities of earthly life begin to dominate over our transcendental soul agreements. When we lose our intimate connection to God, life can become almost too painful to bear.

But as long as we stay connected to God, as long as we remain in alignment with God, we will remain in accord with our soul mission and in harmony with the universe. 

We are like the master who was banished from his country.

When his disciples asked if he ever felt nostalgia for his homeland, the sage said, “No.”

“But,” protested one of the disciples, “it is inhuman not to miss one’s home.”

The master replied, “You cease to be in exile when you realize that God is your home.”

God is our home. 

We may be baffled by God; we may be disappointed in God; we may be angry with God.

We may confront and challenge God; we may argue and wrangle with God; we may wrestle and struggle with God. 

But, in the words of Holocaust survivor and author Elie Wiesel, “we cannot ignore God.”

 It is always our free will choice: We can succumb to life’s hurts and suffering, and blame God. We can turn our backs on God. We can sever our connection with God. 

Or we can turn around and find God right in front of us. 

We can be like Joseph who, despite the pain of the pit and the prison, knew that there was a plan and a purpose beyond what he could see. We can be like Joseph who knew that so long as he stayed connected to God, no matter what happened to him on the outside, he would be all right on the inside.

That is why some people maintain their equanimity, their confidence, and their good spirit under the most dire of circumstances. They may be pained by external realities and outside experiences, but their inner core is not affected because they are at one with God. They are in the hand of God.

That is why martyrs and saints throughout history have gone to their often gruesome deaths with praise of God on their lips. That is why so many of the pious could march into the gas chambers singing “With perfect faith, I believe.” That is why so many people with the most dreadful diseases can face their deaths with calm acceptance. That is why some of our neighbors were able to respond to the loss of their homes and all their possessions with composure, serenity, and dignity. 

Those whose souls are aligned with God are those who will prevail over any evil, over any suffering.

No matter how much life — this life — hurts, when we are with God, God is with us. 

How do we remain in alignment with God? How do we stay “on the track” of our soul contract? How do we experience atonement — at-One-ment?

Our choice is made on two separate but intertwined levels.

Here on earth, we make the moment-by-moment choice to stay at one with God. 

Even when our faith is sorely tried and tested, even when the fire is burning in our faces, we can choose to consciously and deliberately follow the instruction of the biblical psalmist who said, “I place God before me always.” (Psalms 16:8) 

We can be face to face with God. When we place God between us and the fire, what we see is God. When we place God between us and the disease, what we see is God. When we place God between us and the murderer, what we see is God. When we choose to put God between us and our suffering, we affirm our at-one-ment with God, and we align ourselves with the higher purposes of God’s Divine plan. 

Our choice to remain connected to God is also made at a soul level. 

There is a prayer on the Jewish High Holidays that asks, “Who shall live and who shall die? Who shall pass through and who shall be reborn? Who by fire and who by flood?…?” 

According to the poetic imagery of the prayer, God sits with the open Book of Judgment. We, God’s children, pass before God who reviews and judges all our deeds from the past year. 

In the metaphor of the prayer, if we have enough good deeds, we are inscribed for life, but if our evil deeds outweigh the good, then, we are inscribed for death. “On Rosh HaShanah (the Jewish New Year) it is inscribed and on Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) it is sealed… who shall live and who shall die.” 

This prayer has always been perplexing and disturbing to me, for we all know good and righteous people who die, and we all know less than lovely people who live on year after year. 

But this is really a soul level prayer which means that once a year our soul reviews its soul contract. On a soul level, the prayer really means that if we stay connected with God, if we stay in God’s presence — if we stay at-one with God — then the pain and suffering that we may experience on the human level will be superseded by the joy and the glory of maintaining our soul contract and fulfilling our soul mission. 

Then, we can experience the deep satisfaction and the inner peace that comes when we use our free will to align ourselves with our soul’s path and purpose. 

Then, we can understand and embrace the real meaning of the Hebrew words of the prayer as the annual soul level renewal of our soul missions. 

“Who shall pass through adversity? And who shall be reborn through fire?”

This year, Ellen and Wayne. 

The fire that destroyed our house and all our possessions took Ellen and me on an unexpected journey toward soul-understanding. What we ultimately learned is that whatever God gives us, whatever our soul contract demands, whatever our soul mission puts us through, whatever earth suffering we experience, has cosmic significance greater than we can ever imagine. 

Even though we may not be aware of its meaning at the time, everything that happens to us, everything that we do, is all for the highest good — for ourselves, for our God, for our universe.

For, we learned that no matter how great the earth mystery, we are in service to God.

Serve we must. 

So, serve we will.